1. Steady on son...
Even if you're only here for a week, like anything in life the Ibiza experience is at its best when you can actually remember most of it. Think of it as a marathon rather than a sprint and pace yourself accordingly. No-one likes a quitter so play the long game to go the distance.
2. Go deep Underground
Make sure you spend at least one night partying at this converted 200-year-old farmhouse. Despite being free, the tagline on Underground's website reads "not for everyone", which sounds like precisely the place for us, even if is much less of a secret than it used to be. Indeed, many of its name DJs have left but it remains a good place to pick up gossip or news about the coolest villa parties. FFI ibizaunderground.com
3. Check out Wonderland
Although the back room at Eden has long been the workers' destination of choice for the only cutting-edge music in San An, Pete Tong's bold new venture Wonderland is at last promising San Antonio the BIG club experience it so desperately needs. And with acts as world beating as James Zabiela, Digitalism, Eric Prydz and Groove Armada, you'd be a fool not to see if it's any kop. It will be - mark our words.
4. Dine in style
The drink prices at Teatro Pereyra are daunting (watch out for the €50 bottles of wine) but you have to visit this red-velvet venue at the end of Vara De Rey at least once for its genuine retro ambiance. The island's only theatre is a treasure and has genuine characters and live jazz regularly, hailing back from the 1950s when Ibiza, funnily enough, was a haven and hot destination for music fans and artists.
5. Make friends...
With the bar staff. They're more than just drink dispensers, you know. If you're looking for a great underground party go chat to Dave at Lo Cura (who is also a long-standing Space resident DJ) or make friends with Oscar and Steve at Noctambula. Curious about island history? Miguel at Marino (Carrer de la Mar, San An) is a walking encyclopedia of local lore. Workers are the first stage to getting deeper into Ibiza.
Our Saturday shout for this season, the man behind one of the island's most cosmopolitan nights, La Communidad, has upped sticks, moved to Privilege and launched a sleek Detroit influenced night - Imagine - with the likes of Octave One, James Ruskin and Steve Rachmad joining Spanish favourites like Angel Molinas and Oscar Mulero. We're on it.
7. We Love... on Sundays
If it's Sunday then there's only one club you should be heading to - Space for We Love... Sundays. Almost mini dance festivals in their musical spread, they've got the Ed Banger crew, Jeff Mills, Laurent Garnier and Claude VonStroke all signed up and the return of Steve Lawler's terrace sessions. It's their 10th anniversary too.
8. Daytime raving
Iconic beach bar Bora Bora, opposite Space, is still a good place to warm up - bring your own booze, oil up and get down to Oliver Lang's sunshine beats. Pumping all afternoon and beyond - literally in the case of many of its steroid happy European contingent. An institution for a reason... and hey, it's free.
You haven't really earned your Ibiza stripes until you've gotten off your head at a stranger's villa party... and with the strict opening hours laws now in effect villa parties will be the way to go.
10. A Hierbas a day...
Make like one of the locals and finish off your meal with a chupito (shot) of Hierbas, the traditional Ibicenco liquor. It tastes like a sweeter, milder and more fragrant Sambucca and is, strangely, addictively refreshing.
11. Dress like a tit
Embrace the un-coolness of wonky glasses, comedy wigs and outrageous charity shop cast-offs. Look like a plum? Who cares! It's Ibiza! Put on your weirdest clobber and take to the dancefloor with pride. Anyway, these days the line between high fashion and looking a proper truncheon has become so thin it is only visible through rigorous scientific testing. But don't fuck about. You are competing with some world-class weirdos here so a bit of face paint or a funny wig is the start of an outfit not the end.
12. Raise those arms
Now the Space terrace proper literally is just another box with a roof and windows, go catch the last remaining vestiges of the open-air vibe on Space's Sunset Terrace. Tom Novy, a resident for going on 15 years, will play lashings of uplifting house with some extra cheese but the extra dose of sunshine will have you waving those arms rather than rockin' that disapproving muso frown.
Get out of town and up to park in the tiny village of Sant Llorenc where picnic tables, individual BBQ pits and even firewood await. Setting fire to Ibiza is a no-no though. Like a lot of the older DJs, it is dry, brittle and highly combustible.
14. The sound of bassline
Whether you call it niche, bassline or speed garage, the underground bass bumping sound has been rampaging through clubland like a pimped-up Ford Escort through Croydon's McDonalds car-park and it's revving up for its first Ibiza season through Es Paradis' The Sound Of Bassline Sunday sessions with Jamie Duggan, Shaun 'Banger' Scott and Nev Wright.
15. Bus a groove
Much in Ibiza is "mañana, mañana" but the buses arrive and depart with Swiss regularity. You can zip between Ibiza Town and San An or Santa Eularia in 20 minutes, for a mere €1.65 (compared to €20 in a taxi) or hop on the Disco Bus to Amnesia or Privilege for €2.10, saving yourself the cost of a vodka limon in the process. You'll make new friends and happen on one of those inside free party tips.
16. Rock on!
Rock music might have been anathema to the island's dance mafia just four years back but aren't we glad things have changed with the Ibiza Rocks phenomenon? Be it the outdoor settings, the Balearic breeze, the intimate capacities or the awesome selection of bands... you won't experience many live gig environments quite like it with Pendulum, Soulwax and The Fratellis amongst the highlights.
17. Lord it up
Ocean Drive is the DJ bookers hotel of choice. This art deco hunk at the end of Marina Botafoch is a good place to rub shoulders with visiting stars. Every weekend it's crawling with DJs, promoters and Pacha regulars so get down to the bar, blend in, and see where the night takes you. It's not as expensive as you might think either.
18. Experience Amnesia's cannons
We've all stood in the pulsating centre of the main room at Amnesia, blinded by the lights and suddenly felt the temperature drop from 35 degrees to zero as the ice-cannons belch out a blast of dry ice. It's one the best rushes on the island, even stone-cold sober. Don't miss it.
19. Essential pizza
Pizza.it is approximately the size of a phone box but this pizzeria on the main drag in Figueretes dishes up the most delicious, authentic Neapolitan pizzas imaginable. Can't be bothered to leave your apartment? They deliver too. Alternatively, Los Pirates on the main quayside, almost next door to Burger King, is a genuine Italian pizza experience. Cheap and hot, much like the conditions endured by the workers who frequent there for a hurried bite. If you're in San An then it's all about David's Pizzeria.
20. Beat the traffic
Cheat traffic by hiring a push bike. It's the best way to get to Salinas or Es Cavaellet during the height of the season, and if you fancy getting away from it all head inland towards Sant Llorenc or Sant Mateu for a relaxing ride in the countryside. Take a lot of water.
21. Get lost in Cocoon
If proper techno or future-funk minimal is what you're looking for then set your clock for Monday, head to Amnesia and get sucked into Cocoon's weekly epics of edge-bleeding electronics. Herr Väth (pronounced Vait as in Vaith, should you be introduced formally) presides over proceedings weekly and it's not unknown to have both Hawtin and Villalobos joining him on the same bill. You know what to do.
22. Grab a beach massage
It'll help shift the toxins and lactic acid produced by a heavy night's raving - fact. Just try not to waddle off slightly aroused once he/she's done.... although a proper massage will leave you filleted like a kipper and wobbly for at least an hour. Sa Caleta has a wee woody grove with a killer expert massage and the same team also frequent Cala Jondal. Avoid the roaming unqualified girl team massages, proper massages are usually by men with forearms like plaited loaves and take an hour of solid pummeling.
23. Get diving
Punta Galera, the rocky stretch of coastline at the end of San An bay, is a fantastic place for diving. And the lack of a sand beach means it's never crowded, even in mid-summer.
24. Wise up... get stupid!
Clubland Extreme lands on Es Paradis this season and they happen to have German Euro-core oddballs Scooter playing live in July. Which means you can singalong to such profundities as "Coffee isn't my cup of tea", "It's nice to be important but it's more important to be nice" and, our favourite Scooter lyric, "It's not a bird, it's not a plane, it must be Dave who's on the train." Of course it is... Alternatively you could stay in, flush 200 Euros down the bog, put a bin on your head and hit it with a stick really fast until your arm gets tired. Your call.
25. Lose it at DC10
Will we even miss the couple of hours shaved off its usual opening hours by the new Junta? We doubt it. Most pros don't go 'til the sun wanes around 6pm or 7pm anyway. DC10 rather cunningly has the policy of playing as minimal as possible for the longest stretch. This is no accident as any 'peak' will leave a trough and they don't want you to leave. It's the place to be seen on Mondays, although we found going on other nights - like Mr C's Superfreq on Wednesdays - to be a welcome and refreshing change. Expect to see most of Shoreditch, off-duty DJs, as well as proper island freaks.
26. Share taxis with randoms
Shed your British inhibitions about talking in queues and find out who else is heading your way. It saves time, money and is good karma to boot. Many unlicensed cabs are sprouting up lately so a word of caution to lone ladies. Some badness has happened with these, so avoid.
27. Carl Cox & Friends
One of our favourite nights on the islands, Carl Cox's Tuesday night session is the only time you will ever see drum & bass rock the Space terrace with guests as varied as Marky, Gilles Peterson and Deep Dish.
28. Know your enemy
There are three police forces in Ibiza: local, national and the Guardia Civil. The local police are in charge of safety and public order, not drugs or violent crime. So remember who's who, mind your manners around all of them and, if you're unlucky enough to be involved in an incident, remember you'll need to report it to the Guardia - not the local police. The Guardia are recognisable by their military-style green fatigues and shooters. They handle the traffic too and more and more are imported from the mainland every year. Expect random checks especially at roundabouts near the clubs.
29. Discover Atlantis
One of the most famous but least visited of the island's secrets, the natural formation of weird flat rocks is a cult hippy shrine. Like the Sex Pistols, many have claimed to have been, but the truth is only the hardiest ramblers or sailors can get there. Boat trips are available on season but like much of the island, it's fairly sporadic. If we tell you the land route you'll end up killing yourselves so instead go to Cala D'hort beach and get the boat.
Slam, Adam Beyer, Misstress Barbara, Christian Smith, Marco Carola... sound like your sort of night? Ours too - Mauro Picotto's Meganite is far from the boys and bosh fest the naysayers once faired, and is still one of the best outlets for quality bass driven techno grooves on the island.
31. Style it out at Pacha
For sheer style, Pacha is a hard club to beat, and they have entertainment to match. Find a spot in the main room and admire the sexy moves and jaw-dropping physiques of their dancers. It's not the shoulder to shoulder worship of underground music that clubs can be but that's probably because there are actually some girls there.
32. Play spot the DJ
They're bloody everywhere, DJs. Make a game of it (two points for a Space resident, three for anyone sporting a techno 'tache, etc) and at the end of the week buy the winner a novelty T-shirt.
33. Make friends in high places
Let's face it, Ibiza is all about who you know... not what you know. So wriggle your way in with a few key bods and watch the guestlist spaces, drinks tokens and villa party invites follow. That dude you once had an epic e-waffle with at Turnmills two years ago and now runs the Manumission stage? He's your new best friend. Just seen a DJ? Run up to them and tell them they are ace, some nice ones enjoy that and may offer to walk you in with them. Think you laid some tasty foundations with the door whore at Pacha? Well, start building on them. But keep it relaxed. Nothing turns off a possible contact more than naked desperation.
34. Milk 'N' 2 Sugars
House is a feeling baby and they don't feel much better than Milk 'N' 2 Sugars at El Divino on Mondays, with names like Funkerman, Kurd Maverick and Kerri Chandler adding their own diverse dealings in that thing that jack built.
The 'hippie market' at Es Canar can make Southend look like St Tropez so avoid it at all costs. For an authentic market experience head to the Saturday morning car boot sale at the Hippodromo in Sant Jordi or to chic boho hangout Las Dalhias in the North. Expect the real deal and oddball psy-trance, as well as live music and brilliant weirdos.
36. Go bling!
Be a VIP for a day and cast anchor off-shore from one of Ibiza's super-chic beachfront restaurants. Ex Xarcu (34 971 187867) in Porroig is tops for luxury seafood, or idle off Cala Jondal and have your meal ferried out to you from Café Tropicana (tropicanaibiza.com). Get a bespoke bling visit with Chic Ibiza (formerly Up Hospitality), who'll do everything from organising private jets, to picking you up at the airport in style, to getting you into the clubs, or hiring your own yacht. FFI chicibiza.com
37. Be lucky!
Ibiza is an island built on he-who-dares ethos and the best outlet for intoxicated bravado is San An's casino. A Vegas worthy emporium, it's found just off the Juan XXIII roundabout with black jack, roulette and poker tables all in tow. Check casino-ibiza.com for more details and be lucky!
38. Tune in
It sounds obvious, but your CD wallet will provide the soundtrack to your stay so pack it accordingly. Some Balearic beats won't go amiss and anything dropping you on to a slighter more horizontal plane will come in handy as the latest Cocoon CD might not be the first thing you reach for after a three-day We Love/Circo Loco/Cocoon bender.
39. Call on the veterans
Another no-brainer - ask people who've been before and draw on their knowledge and tips. No-one starts off an expert so if you're popping your Ibiza cherry make sure you get as many tips from long-time visitors as possible. Knowledge is power!
40. Get some wax
Vinyl outposts in a digital era, Ibiza's record shops are among the best in the world and would surprise a few DJs who never shop outside of Soho. Satisfy your music cravings at 40-year-old institution Delta Discos for a Balearic-style mix, Industria (run by Inigo and Pepo Lanzoni from La Communidad, Ibiza's biggest and coolest homegrown event) for hot underground electronica and techno. Or M15 for the latest compilation CDs (all in Ibiza Town, off Avinguda D'Espanya, the main road from the 'McDonald's Roundabout' into town).
41. Take it all in at L'Elephant
A total style-magnet, this Sant Rafael restaurant boasts one of the coolest roof terraces on the island. Enjoy a sweeping view as you sip a pre-Amnesia cocktail amidst its chic, minimal furnishings. FFI elephant-ibiza.com
Today's catastrophe is tomorrow's legendary tale. Just ask our mate who is still dining out on the time he got thrown out of Privilege for jumping in the pool, wandered wallet-less into a nearby cow pasture and was next seen slumped over on the back of a random's scooter, fast asleep, after hitching a ride back to his hotel. Be respectful of the locals though, as there's a fine line between entertainment and obnoxiousness.
43. Call on me
Nab yourself a Spanish SIM card. They are about five euros each and mean you can receive calls from home for free. And if everyone in your group gets one you'll save a mint on those ridiculous "I'm on the terrace mate, where are you?" texts. Vodaphone shops are always proper busy but there are many smaller places who do Moviestar and Telephonica, etc.
44. Ride the water taxi
Have a couple of drinks at Rock Bar then hop on the boat plying across the marina and arrive at El Divino in style, even if you only stay for a drink on the waterfront terrace. There are regular boats from Marina Botafoch (don't titter!) too, home of the aforementioned Ocean Drive.
45. Give trance a chance
You might think trance is something you left behind in your teens along with blowbacks, drinking on park benches and sniffing glue but get yourself to Amnesia for Cream on Thursday and tell us that there isn't a forgotten rush there waiting to be had. Tiësto's new Monday night Privilege residency and Armada's Tuesday Amnesia session also ride high in the epic steaks.
46. Soak into some Sangria
Sangria is the beverage of choice for the professional daytime drinker but always ask if the Sangria is home-made. Don't get palmed off with pre-mixed supermarket shit. You may as well pour fanta in a bottle of Crystal and shake it.
47. Baker's dozen
Five minutes walk past the Ibiza Town bus station on Isidor Macabish is Louis et Madeline's patisserie, a fantastic French bakery. They make the best baguettes on the island and their croissants and pan aux chocolates are works of art. Croissant Show, on the foot of the long slope up to the gates of the old town, is another famous institution.
London's enduring underground scamps DDD are another outfit debuting with an intriguing new concept. Deep Down and Dirty becomes Dinner Drink and Dance at the intimate Aura venue when supper club tapas and cocktails prelude sets from the DDD residents, who'll bring down the cover of darkness with some twisted party stirring beats. It's on the Saturdays of 28th June, 26th July, 16th August and 4th October.
49. Judgement Sundays
The Judge is never going to budge. His Sunday night Eden session is still one of the most popular and electric vibes on the island - whether you like the tuneage or not. It's not all fromage fodder either, Utah Saints are guesting. whilst Rob Tissera's sexy electro and shaking house brigade Kissdafunk host the back room fortnightly. Just try and avoid the night when Lisa Gashes plays like you would the clap.
It sounds obvious but dehydration is the subtle cause of many a problem. The effects of booze are basically dehydration on a stick so add a lack of water to that situation and say hello to white-outs, crashes and or just general nausea. But don't touch the tap water unless you want to pilot the porcelain bus.
51. Hire a car
So much to do, so little time... but get yourself a hire car and the island suddenly becomes a whole new playground with many hidden charms and areas suddenly opening up. Sort well in advance and get ready for some insane traffic, pinball driving and an almost perpetual rush hour when it comes to high season.
52. Electric Sex
Before Tong's Wonderland invasion, Ryan O'Gorman's Electric Sex had long been putting in the groundwork in Eden's back room by bring underground sensibilities like Mr C, Tim Sheridan, Clive Henry and X-Press 2 to San Antonio. Tongy might now have nabbed half their guests on exclusives but they're still the workers' choice for edgy yet elegant beats in San An. Catch them on Saturdays.
53. Find the real Ibiza
Basically, if you venture to the middle or even just north of the motorway that connects the two towns you are in 'Real Ibiza'. Santa Getrudis is the centre and an area of great natural beauty. We suggest a trip North to clock what 90% of visitors never see. Portinax is the northernmost point and has many a gasp-inducing view. Buy a map too - it might help.
54. Get your flights sorted
In season it's very cheap to fly but a tip from us is to book your flight either ridiculously far in advance or better still, use an island travel agent and you pay in euros not pounds.
55. Hunt out Bon Lloc
If you want to eat Catalan as it was meant to be eaten, this is the place. At the junction as you enter the town of Jesus, you could easily miss this roadside restaurant which is famed amongst insiders as the real deal. Retaining Ibiza's Arab influences, lamb stews and tapas are the most genuine article. A must stop.
56. Embrace the freaks
A bit of face paint at Sankey's does not a freak make. This is the international epicentre of the oddball hurricane. These freaks are pros and gravitate from all corners of the globe to come and scare you. To qualify as a freak in Ibiza you need at least 10 years of island debauchery under your belt, skin like an elderly leather briefcase and eyes that make children cross the road from you.
57. Find some chill
Verdant beyond belief, 90% of Ibiza is fields and forests. The name of the island group, the 'Pitiusas' derives from the Greek for pine. From the sea it appears to be carpeted in pine trees. It's advisable to plan a time to party and a time to chill. It's criminal to visit and only go to the clubs.
Just so you know, cabs can be a bloody nightmare. At high season, even if you speak fluent Spanish and call to book one, the phone will just not get answered. They often don't stop when flagged and queues at the airport are now starting to look like a refugee camp but again, be nice - learning the basic words for directions helps.
59. Da Valeria
Our favourite out-of-town eating experience, Da Valeria is nestled beneath the hills in the Santa Eularia and its Italian and French influenced restaurant offers al fresco dining at its finest. It is sensibly priced too, with the rabbit dishes and Argentinean steak particularly recommended. Call +34 971 330 930 for directions and reservations
60. Go karting
Go karting is still probably the most fun we've had in Ibiza whilst sober and fully clothed. There's tracks in San An and on the road between Ibiza Town and Santa Eulalia and quad bikes are available too. Be extra careful with these, they can seriously hurt you sober, never mind in any other state.
61. Catch a Faithless DJ set
A Faithless DJ set was once rarer than a Dave Clarke smile but with six dates at Pure Pacha you've got no excuse for not catching one. Maxi Jazz is promising to sing live as Sister Bliss spins, before he heads into Trevor Nelson's Global Room to spin two hours of r&b.
62. Robbie Rivera's Juicy
If you're looking for big meaty electro-house groovers on a Sunday night then Robbie Rivera's Juicy is a solid shout with guests like Funkagenda, Stonebridge and Brian Cross.
63. Switch your blue tooth on
Now that the Ibiza government have stamped out flyering altogether, the Blue Wave team will be using both fixed and portable blue tooth transmitters to beam out club information and reduced entry offers every day of the season all over the island.
64. Nosh some local grub
MasterCard spanked on tequila shots at Pacha? Seek out the Ibicenco equivalent of a greasy spoon and enjoy a three-course meal with a drink for under a tenner. Spanish labourers are partial to a beer or chupito with their breakfast so workmen's cafés are also an ideal place for a sneaky post-club bevy.
65. Catch the Manumission show
Back in the day, mention of the Manumission show was accompanied by whispers of men sucking themselves off, dwarf orgies and contortionist sex acts. That was the day as in 'one day' - and we're not sure that 'day' was anything other than scurrilous hyping - but it's still a spectacle that needs to be seen. More eroticized cabaret than full-on fetish though.
66. Don't check your bank account...
… until you get home. Even if you've been careful, a week on the White Isle will still leave it in a worse state than Amy Winehouse's nostrils. Carpe Diem, maňana maňana, things always work themselves out in the end. Although maybe not in the case of the £5000 credit card bill.
67. Seek out a free party
Despite the risks, it's still possible to find at least one free party on your visit. Since the breakthrough of Tim Sheridan and Smokin Jo's nastydirtysexmusic parties, there have been underground heroes like Los Piratos' Joe Upton, Ryan O'Gorman from Electric Sex and the Mulletover clan taking up the challenge over the last few seasons, and even heavyweights like Cocoon will throw at least one over the summer. Seek out.
Steve Bug, M.A.N.D.Y. and Isolee (live) make Monza a bit of a must at Amnesia's Thursday night - you couldn't really get any more Balearic than hearing 'Beau Mot Plage' in one of Ibiza's best main rooms unless you were back in Amnesia circa 1987, boffing doves to Alfredo. Which would - rather unfortunately given recent pictures - make you Paul Oakenfold.
68. Experience Es Vedra
Another island legend, the mesmerizing rock of Es Vedra is said to be the third most magnetic force in the world and has been subject to a rang of mythical sightings from UFOs to ethereal unexplained arcs of light - but the way the sun hits it each day is ethereal enough in itself. Whether you're doing some serious soul searching or just collecting your mental marbles, this is the place do it.
69. Track down Bambuddha Groove
An eccentric enclave that joins mock Buddhist temples, bars, 'tantric' shops and the finest ethnic fusion restaurant on the island, Bambuddha Grove is found on the San Juan road and is the brainchild of one of the island's most eccentric characters and wandering soul John Moon. Check it out if you're feeling flush.
70. Don't get busted
Make sure you're careful with your, ahem, 'stash' before you enter clubs. With the sort of police presence that awaits you at the Space/DC10 opening and closing parties, you'll be sniffed out and celled up quicker than you can say 'Grooverider' if you're not careful. A holiday does not grant immunity - you have been warned.
71. Embrace locutorios
These cheap and cheerful internet cafés are the best place to pop in and check your email or make a phone call. They also sell snacks, beer and cold drinks and phone credit, which comes in handy at odd hours or on Sundays when the ordinary shops are shut.
72. Don't leave home without...
Nah, not your toothbrush, condoms or credit card - although at least one should come in handy - but your European Health Insurance Card. It entitles you to free emergency medical treatment (and Spain's top-notch state health service puts the NHS to shame so you'll be in good hands).
73. Watch the Mambo sunset
Leaving Ibiza without experiencing at least one sunset at the buzzing San An beach institution Mambo would be like spending a week in New York without visiting Central Park or getting a taxi. A quintessential Ibiza experience and the perfect beginning point of many nights. Guests like Nic Fanciulli, Roger Sanchez, Pete Tong and James Zabiela regularly get behind the decks once the sun has slipped into the horizon.
74. Made In Italy
Dubbed the Italian Manumission thanks to its extravagant cabaret production and sexy crowds, Made In Italy at Amnesia is one of the only places where you will hear decidedly cutting-edge tech DJs whilst surrounding by an inordinate number of delicately groomed and decidedly gorgeous ladies. Which makes it a bit of a favourite.
75. Take in the sea at Formentera
If you must take to the sea then Formentara is the only place. You'll wonder how somewhere so close can be so different. The island was completely uninhabited except for the odd smuggler or pirate until very recently. On it's southern edge the sea and its marine life resembles the Caribbean.
76. Louie Vega's Soul Heaven
Master at Work Louie Vega has launched his first ever Ibiza residency with his Soul Heaven Sunday parties at El Divino. Best get down to and sample them - after 23 years DJing he can't have too many left in the tank.
77. F*** Me I'm Famous
David Guetta's glamathon is strutting into Pacha Thursdays for a full season of decadent debauchery so get yourself down there if glamour and girls are you thing - they're not a bad combo after all.
78. Embrace Eroski
Its red, white and blue logo might look more like a petrol station than a grocery store but this is the perfect place to re-fuel on fresh bread, cheap booze and local produce without busting your budget. Tip: you'll need secondary ID when using a debit card.
79. Get watered at Plastik
One of the bars that help kickstart the smartening up of San An, the comfortable Plastik is located by the roundabout and is a good place to start off your San An escapades if you're looking for funky feel-good beats and a dressed up, hair down crowd. It's just about a stone's throw from Eden and also hosting the Wonderland pre-parties.
80. Head port-side
A lively and buzzing Ibiza Town hang-out, Base Bar is still a solid choice for many cats not least for the welcoming hospitality of owner Jason Bull. It is directly next to Ibiza institution The Rock, where an invisible boundary of six inches separates the more grizzled veteran characters in The Rock from the buzzing youngsters in Base.
81. Four words for you...
Bar Comidas San Juan. If you're in Ibiza Town, this cosy rustic eatery is a must. The cheapest home-cooked cuisine at the most accommodating prices on the island, it's all the more charmed for its laidback vibes and the seats-next-to-strangers policy. Get their early though - at peak seasons you can wait up to a 90 minutes for a space.
82. Danny Tenaglia at Space
Just a sniff of one gig by 'The DJ's DJ' means a queue around the block. Not much has been revealed other than that Danny will be weekly during high season, which is all we need to know to be honest - expect the tribal, tech and house bridging marathons that only this one man is capable of. Support comes from more underground friends such as local fave Tim Sheridan.
83. Def Mix
Like just about everything that touches Pacha, the Saturday Def Mix parties are a true Ibiza institution. If you want to hear house played by those that built the damn thing to start with then this is where to go - with David Morales, Satoshie Tomiie, Hector Romero, Frankie Knuckles and guests.
84. Leave your prejudices at home
Nothing is ever as it seems and Ibiza not only has many layers of beauty to be uncovered but is also wrapped in an exciting period of flux and change. So leave your prejudices at home.
85. Ask Deep Dish's Sharam...
...where the fuck it all went wrong. Dubfire's gone all twisted chrome-plated techno, while he's farting about with Daniel 'my-balls-will-never-drop' Beddingfield. He's playing Armada on Tuesday 2nd September - if you don't do it, we will.
86. Pure Pacha
Okay, they lost Tong but swapped him for Faithless, Basement Jaxx, the Swedish House Mafia and Trentemøller. One of the best nights on the island promises to get better.
87. Get to the closings...
Unless for tax reasons you've been a small invertebrate or mollusc for the last ten years you'll know the best time to visit is very early or very late. The energy, the atmosphere, the celebration, the closings are like no other party you'll attend. Must be done.
88. Count on the chemist
You can get almost anything over the counter in Spanish chemists for aches, pains, itches or ailments, including contraception and antibiotics. But be aware that some medications are expensive without a prescription. Chemists operate a 24-hour rota system so there's always one open, especially along the foot of the walls to the old town. To find the nearest 24-hour chemist go to cofib.es.
89. Get acquainted...
... with the local grape. For an authentic taste of the island visit a vineyard like Can Pep (Sant Llorenc) or Can Rich (San An) and ask for a slug of vino payes - the Ibicenco vintner's version of homebrew. Quality varies wildly by year and 'yard' but it's better than the €2 bilge at Spar. A good reserve to keep locked away for those we've been up for four days and have drunk/snorted/swallowed/spent everything we own too.
90. Make a splash
Ibiza's got some of the most beautiful beaches the Med can offer but Aguamar Water Park is still worth dipping into. Okay, so water parks are for kids but we didn't come to Ibiza to act like adults. It's a stone's throw from Space too, actually sharing the car park. Try not to swallow though. You'll see what we mean when you get your first taste.
91. Tell people you're a DJ
Even if you're not, it does seem to be the done thing in these parts. Although for every successful blag there is a banning for life if you try it on the wrong door. DJmag knows of at least one poor soul who rocked up with a mate's (empty) DJ bag, tried it on and was swiftly escorted to the booth and found himself in front of 1000 expectant people, the smiling security waiting to see him safely kick off his 'set'. Ouch.
92. Nocturnal naughtiness
The miniature and welcoming Lo Cura is one Ibiza Town bar that needs checking - not just for the unbeatable cocktails but also for the amount of naughtiness that seems to cram into its tiny walls. Space residents and many of the 'island DJs' can often be found down here. An Ibiza Town favourite and a whole night's worth of fun itself.
93. Early morning sessions
Run by the Base Bar's Jason Bull, Hotel Es Vive on the Figuretas side of Ibiza Town has got that chic art deco Miami look but with a relaxed Balearic ambiance to go with it. Its vibey late night bar has also seen some serious morning debauch as one of the very last few places still legally rocking in the AM.
94. Get hard or go home
Roll up, roll up, gather round and watch two middle-aged men flogging dead horses on San An bay. No, it's not an Ibiza edition of Only Fools & Horses but those cheeky chappies The Tidy Boys wheeling out their hard house barrel yet again. This season they've hooked up with fellow bosh codger Dave Pearce for the Tuesday Advanced vs Tidy sessions at Eden. Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough.
95. Ibiza Rocks Hotel
Daily rock gigs, weekly comedy performances and round-the-clock entertainment, the Ibiza Rocks Hotel is the place to stay in San An this year with all the Ibiza Rocks acts staying on the rooftop suite overlooking the Café Del Mar/Mambo strip.
96. Da bomb burgers
For a hamburger so mouth-watering you'd rob your gran for it, then it's all about San Antonio's Pennsylvania Burger just off the West End - the double hamburger with cheese, chillies, bacon and salad is the absolute bomb.
Everyone has a secret hippy side and there's no island where it flowers as readily as Ibiza - Kumharas' sunset bar in San An is the perfect place to get aligned into it too. Fresh fruit juices, fire jugglers, improvised performers and the chilled global soundtrack all get you horizontal of body and mind.
98. Miss your flight
A bit like central defenders and broken noses or porn stars and snapped banjos, you can't reliably call yourself an Ibiza veteran until you've missed at least one return flight in the name of White Isle hedonism. After all, Ibiza's rush is all about living the moment - the one where you realise you've spunked all your money on a 36-hour bender, then shelled out £400 unnecessarily on a second flight and can't afford your rent for next month. But it's a two-sided coin - every flight is a few souls light on the return so it's pretty easy to get a standby.
99. Come back...
Ease those blues by planning your return journey to the island ASAP. Whether it's a 'no luggage' two-day jaunt or a week during the off-season you'll feel better for being able to say, "I'll be back soon!"
100. ….Or just stay for the season
Swap paradise for the slave reality of your eternal office desk? Fuck that - why not jack in your day job and become a worker for the season? Sure you might end up whoring yourself out for pittance but there's good reason why hundreds of workers return year after year - the general camaraderie, constant sunshine and round-the-clock debauchery will give you an experience you'll always remember.
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY